To celebrate National Inclusion week, education actuary Sally Calder has written a blog series on neurodiversity, with a focus on autism. In part four, she shares her experiences of discovering her autism. The six-part series covers self-identification, diagnosis, stigma, and strengths and challenges. She also highlights what we, in the spirit of inclusivity, can all do to support neurodivergent individuals.
In my previous post, I explained how and why autistic people can, and need to be, very creative. Later I’ll dig deeper into the strengths of being neurodivergent. But first I want to share my own experiences of discovering my autism and some of the challenges associated with that.
While I feel it’s better to be open, transparent, honest, and proud of what we are as individuals, sadly we don’t live in a completely fair world. There are always going to be biases, both conscious and unconscious. The best we can all do – neurodivergent and neurotypical people alike – is to try and recognise our biases, and to listen and learn when these are pointed out. Rather than say “can’t you take a joke?” or “aren’t you being a bit over-sensitive?”, we should think about our assumptions about an individual’s history, and reflect on our own behaviour.
So, because the world is never going to be perfect, some individuals may be concerned about publicly declaring their identity.
When I identified as autistic, initially it was a massive lightbulb moment.
But then I went through a period of grief. Not grief for the ‘normal life’ I had missed out on, but grief for not having understood myself for all those years. That’s time I’ll never get back. Taking the analogy I covered in part two, I spent my formative years believing I was a defective PC in a world consisting only of PCs. I wish I’d known that, rather than being ‘defective’, I’m a properly functioning MacBook in a world that only caters for PCs.
University was an ordeal: autism exacerbated by imposter syndrome is not a good combination. Had I known I was on the autism spectrum, it may not have made it less of an ordeal, but at least I’d have understood why I struggled with certain activities.
But not having a diagnosis as a child may have been a good thing. Had I undergone a consultation in the 1980s, there’s a chance I’d have been misdiagnosed. And even if I’d been diagnosed accurately, there’s a chance I’d have been mistreated, or even locked up.
The Hollywood actor Daryl Hannah (Blade Runner and Kill Bill) is autistic. After her diagnosis of borderline autism as a child, the doctors recommended that she not only be medicated but sent to an institution.
Fortunately, Daryl’s mother ignored the advice. Daryl has said in an interview that had she been institutionalised, she’d probably still be there today.
Other famous people on the spectrum include Albert Einstein, Bill Gates and chess grandmaster Bobby Fischer. Ok, they fit into the ‘geeky’ stereotype – but how about Anthony Hopkins, Tim Burton and Andy Warhol? Imagine what the world would have been like had they been unable to embrace their differences and talents!
Even getting diagnosed is challenging for girls. Traditionally, girls weren’t considered as being likely to have autism. Our characteristics are different to boys, and we work harder to conform in the world (most likely exacerbated by the patriarchy). This means that girls mask their autism to blend in, so we’re more difficult to diagnose.
Hence why I said in part one that I’ve been a method actor almost all my life, deliberately acting out of character to fit in. Some of it’s so deeply ingrained that it’s become automatic. But since identifying as autistic, I’ve become more aware of when I’m masking my true self. And I still do it, especially if I’m uncertain of the humans around me (because of stigma).
After identifying I embarked on a voyage of self-discovery and found myself on a very steep learning curve, which I’m still climbing. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief to discover that I wasn’t ‘wrong’. I just view the world, and process information, differently. All the foibles I had as a child (and believe me, some of them are weird with a capital ‘W’, others gross with a capital ‘G’), and the reasons I never fitted in, now make perfect sense.
Next time, I’ll chat about my specific traits and the ‘spiky profile’. This is a concept that managers can use to great effect when their teams include neurodiverse individuals. Watch this space!
National Inclusion Week is a week dedicated to celebrating inclusion and taking action to create inclusive workplaces. Learn more at National Inclusion Week 2022.
